What I Learned from Being a Failed Actor

How fear can rob us of our dreams.

“Hi Nick, we are very pleased to offer you the lead in the show. The audition was great and we are delighted to offer you this part”

A voicemail left on my parents’ house phone.

I was 15 years old.

I never returned the call.

I felt crippled with fear.

Imposter syndrome was dominating me.

Although I couldn’t name what it was at the time.

I had nailed an audition with a large UK youth theatre group the week previously.

With shows lined up across most major cities in some of the biggest venues it was a hell of an opportunity.

Yet the whole time I was hoping I wouldn’t be offered it.

Because I didn’t want to find myself in a position which I was in right now.

To have to make a decision I didn’t want to make.

With the regret and feeling of shame that would likely follow.

Yet the funny thing was I would always audition and give my all when the pressure was off.

I always wanted to show my best and make a great impression. Yet somewhere deep down it I felt I would fuck up somewhere down the road.

Interesting behaviour which I’ve spent much time thinking over since.

I felt I would be found out and seen as a failure.

I was scared to fail yet I was failing to take the chance to fail in the first place.

I was trapped in a mindset that was so worried of not being good enough.

So scared of failure. I stayed still.

The irony was that this made me feel like the very thing I was trying to avoid.

I remember that phone call like yesterday.

In some ways it has haunted me ever since.

It could have been an incredible opportunity that would have lifted off an acting career.

I have struggled to forgive myself sometimes.

It hurts seeing myself in hindsight.

So much ability yet often so little faith in myself.

I have worked hard on that for two decades since and I found a way out.

I don’t feel that way any more.

Am I still scared of being found out?

Do I still have imposter syndrome?

Yes, but far less.

Actually I’ve learned that these are signs of stretching ourselves and signals of growth.

With that in mind, it doesn’t stop me when it’s there.

I don’t let it get in my way like I once did.

As I sit here writing this I am a successful failed actor, with the what could have been narrative once again raising its ugly head.

Of course, it’s not too late.

I could act again.

Maybe I will someday.

I still love acting.

I love what it gave me.

I love what I could give of myself to it.

I don’t still regret not “making it” as an actor but I do regret not believing enough in myself.

I had some weird pressure on me to be the next “thing” in the local area.

It was a small area.

Although still, a town on the edge of south west London, a decent pool.

I was told by many directors I had to pursue becoming a professional actor.

Like I owed it to myself or I owed it to them.

Maybe in some way that pressure is something that held me down rather than raised me up.

I don’t know.

It wasn’t just about that phone call.

It was about years of not taking chances.

Not having enough courage or faith in myself.

I have learned a fair bit since then.

Firstly, people don’t think about us nearly as much as we think.

It’s not like we build up in our heads. Or at least like I did in mine.

When we realise this it is liberating.

Secondly, we cannot learn or grow a jot without being comfortable with failure.

It’s non-negotiable if we want to better ourselves or be successful in anything.

It’s actually where all the magic happens.

Those lessons from my younger days have proven invaluable.

I used them and continue to do so to my advantage.

I am not nearly as scared of failing, taking risks or looking silly like I once was.

But I still see many people living that way now.

People I know. People I love.

Some can’t or won’t escape it.

Some felt just like I did not that many years back.

But I now know something with absolute certainty.

We will be more disappointed by the things we didn’t do than by the ones we did.

At the end of our lives we will only regret those chances we didn’t take.

Thanks for reading.

Nick x